


A Lot Like Love

by Sydnaynay (bandable)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: ((Domestic abuse btw), Angst, Angst with a sad ending, Based on a song, Break Up, Bring tissues, Drabble, I dont know how to tag, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Or what could be abuse, Sad, Sad Ending, Song fic, Tears, This is sad okay, im sorry, implications of abuse, not a happy fic, trigger warning, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 00:55:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6032317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bandable/pseuds/Sydnaynay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It was nothing at all, but it felt a lot like love."</p><p>Or</p><p>Dan and Phil break up, and Dan knew it was going to happen eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lot Like Love

**Author's Note:**

> to really get a feel of this fic, i suggest listening to the song "a lot like love" by cimorelli, which is what this fic is based off. if you listen to it while reading this, you'll see parts of the song clearly used in the actual writing.
> 
> i hope you all enjoy these emotions :) heed the tags yo.
> 
> thanks!

Dan wasn't exactly shocked, as he drove home from Phil’s house, after their umpteenth fight. The things Phil had said were ringing in his head, repeating louder and louder before becoming an almost silent whisper, and getting louder again. “It never meant anything!”, “You just don't understand.”, “You weren't special.”, “This wasn't special.”

Dan felt like a part of him was missing. There was no explaining it, or ignoring it. There was a pit in his stomach, or maybe his heart, he couldn't really tell, actually. There was just a feeling of protruding emptiness that just wouldn't go away.   
Dan thought he'd feel different than this. He could have sworn that this was the right thing to do. He knew it was the right thing to do. Their relationship, or whatever it was, only felt right in the moment.

It was tender touches and small kisses and flowers and chocolates. But then it was screaming and crying and emotional pain leading to apologies and the cycle began again. It was beautifully toxic and Dan could feel himself fall for it all again, whenever Phil looked him in the eyes.

When Phil looked at Dan, it almost felt like someone cared. When Phil hugged Dan, it felt like someone was there for Phil. And every time the situation got a little too tense, or Dan’s existential crisis a little too bad, Phil would run. And every single time Dan would stay, and wish hopelessly that this time would have been different.

Dan knew it wasn't much, that it didn't really mean anything, he could tell every single time Phil touched him there was nothing. Just, emptiness. There was never any truth in Phil’s eyes when he said sweet little things to Dan. Dan just wanted it to be real, so freaking bad.

Dan knew that wanting it to be real, wouldn't make it real, that that wasn't enough. Dan knew he held onto what Phil and he had, or lack thereof, for way too long. It was broken, bruised, wrong–heck, it was nothing, at all. It was all of these things, or none of these things, but, when Dan looked back at it, it felt a lot like love. It felt just a little bit like what his parents talked about and what the movies said. It just wasn't really all it seemed.

Dan knew he wasn't anything to Phil, that he was basically a number. And he drove away that night, he could almost feel Phil add his name to that list of “traitors” who just didn't understand. And yet, despite all this, Dan would still do anything to feel what he felt with Phil, one last time. Just one last time.

The feeling wasn't like anything else Dan had ever felt. When Phil looked at him, it was like his entire world was set on fire. And when he was being held tight on those few nights where Phil was feeling particularly lovely, it felt like Dan was the only one. And every time this happened, Dan wish he could wake up the next morning to Phil’s hugs, but he ran every time.

It was just like that, and then he was gone. And it was still, once again, tragically beautiful in the most toxic of ways. Dan just couldn't let go, couldn't get over the fact that everything felt a lot like love, yet still so far from it.

He knew that it was far from it. Knew that if it was love, Phil would have cared about those endless nights Dan stayed up wondering what was wrong with him, and why Phil wouldn't stay. If it was love, Phil would have cared that he hurt Dan with his words. If it was love, Phil would have stayed, at least once, and Dan wouldn't be lonely.

And all of this still felt like love, though Dan knew it wasn't. Dan knew love was patient, and that love was kind. But in this stupid, chaotic mess that he called “love” he was slowly losing his mind. 

And as he pulled into his driveway, and stumbled up the cold, damp pavement into his cold, damp apartment that hadn't really been clean in weeks, he realized maybe, just maybe, this “love” had made him lose his mind.

He fell onto the living room floor, shaking, as everything he ever wanted with Phil cracked and shattered.

And despite everything, despite the fact Dan knew it wasn't real, and that it wasn't anything to Phil, he just couldn't let go. It felt a lot like love.

It truly was nothing at all.

But it felt a lot like love.


End file.
